I'm sick so I'm gonna write.

"Get over it now..it would never work."

She kept telling herself this over and over.

Why was it such a struggle every day?

Would real genuine love ever find her?

No guy was everything she wanted.

They all had their flaws.

But why oh why must it keep going on like this every day?

She wasn't the kind of girl to blink and give her heart away.

None of the recent guys to try to get her to go out with them realized this.

They'd push, prod, and do anything they could to get her to cave.

Her heart had already been broken one too many times.

"One day.." she kept saying, "I'm still young."

The days went on.

The dreams every night never ceased to have her wake up in a terror, or utter sadness.

She would either lose him again, or her dreams would show her just how far she would go for him.

But he was gone.

Forever.

Her heart ached. She missed him so much.

The sad reality that he was never coming back was a thought she tried her hardest to keep out of her mind.

Crying was an impossibility.

If only one tear could fall.

Anger always overpowered the sadness.

She fought it every day.

Then one day, it happened.

Hope.

A small light in her dark world.

Was there a way out?

Was it possible to be happy again?

She told herself there was no way to be happy again.

Lies. All of them.

But there was always the thought that "maybe? just maybe one day it would work."

Then the hope creeped in a little further.

It took root and began to flourish.

Happiness. It did exist.

She had forgotten nothing was even possible without Him.

He made her very happy.

He was the greatest thing that happened to her.

:)

Maybe Wishes Can Come True

Being stuck in the friend zone was never her idea of a perfect life. She loved him with everything she had. She would give anything for just one more minute alone. He was perfect. Every single aspect of him. At least she thought so.

Her birthday was coming up. Another year of being single and alone. Each year she would pray that by the next year, he would ask her to be more than just a friend. But each year, it became a bigger disappointment. She would never give up hope though. One day, one day they'd be together. Happy. In love. Far away somewhere, where they could forget about life for a while.

The buzz of her cell phone startled her. She looked down and saw his name. Slightly confused to why he was calling her instead of sending the usual text, she answered. His amazing voice flooded her ears and her heart began to melt again, as she heard him ask her to meet him at his house the following saturday. Nothing unusual about that. They had gone out on what most people would consider to be a date many times before, and quite frequently hung out at his house. But this time it was different because he told her to wear her new red dress, and that they were going to dinner in the city. She was so excited. She said she would meet him at 6 next saturday. One more thing, he said don't be late. Slightly confused since she was never late to anything, she hung up the phone.

The hole in her heart seemed to close for a moment, then she began to feel just how far away next saturday was. Everything in her life was a countdown to when she would see his face again. He had been gone for a while at college. Every few weekends, he would come home, take her out for lunch, and they would talk about life. It was always something to look forward to, but never anything serious.

This was different. They had never gone to dinner in the city before, let alone dressed up. She had, however, made up her mind that she would never assume they were going on a real date unless he said those words himself. She had been disappointed too many times before. Was it too much to hope this time? She decided to not let herself think that way, once again. They were just friends; probably always would be.

The week seemed to drag on as it always did when she was excited. He always told her she became way too excited about so many things, and should try to calm down and let things happen. That was impossible though. She was passionate about many things, and that made her very excited. Her state of chill was almost non existent.

Saturday was finally here. She slept in as long as she could so that 6 o'clock would come faster. She took a shower and lathered herself in the body wash she had just purchased just for this day. She did her hair and makeup very carefully. Looking her best was always on her mind, especially when she was going to see him. As she pulled her new red dress over her head and down to her legs, she glanced in the mirror. Never once did she look at herself and think she was beautiful. But tonight, she thought she was closer than ever. After applying some lipstick, spraying on some perfume, and then sliding on her new pair of heels, she grabbed her purse and jumped in her car, praying it would start as usual. The roar of the engine made her heart skip a beat as she thought of seeing him once again.

It was a 20 minute drive to his house. Never once did she ever drive the speed limit to get there. She knew she shouldn't rush because she had plenty of time, but the thought of hearing his voice, seeing his smile, and having him wrap his arms tightly around her again made her want to get there as fast as she possibly could.

As she pulled down his road, she saw his silver nissan. It was the car she had spent many days riding in the passenger seat. They would go for a drive, listen to his latest collection of music, sing their hearts out, and laugh a lot. He always drove with the windows down, and would tease her about how her hair would always looked messy when they reached their destination. She didn't care. It made her smile.

The car door slammed shut, and she quickly walked to the front door. She didn't knock, just walked right in as she always did. She rushed to his room, where he was waiting. One look at her blew him away. She was stunning. She ran into his arms and just stayed there for a moment. He always smelled so good, and she always told him that. He would just laugh. They exchanged a few words about missing each other and how nice it was to see you again. He grabbed his jacket, and asked her if she was ready for an adventure. Well why wouldn't she be? So they walked down the stairs, out the door, and he walked around to open her car door. He had never done that before, so she was pleasantly surprised. He closed the door, and got into the drivers seat; asked her what music she would like to listen to. She never knew what to say because he had so much. She enjoyed listening to almost anything he would play. He handed her his iPod as he started his car. 160 GB worth of music was a lot to choose from, but she knew what song she wanted to listen to. It was one of the first songs he had ever given her. It reminded her of her favorite day they had spent together. It started playing, and he smiled. Whether he knew it or not, she related a lot of songs to their time together, and had her own playlist of songs that would make her think of him.

It was a long drive into the city. She sure didn't mind. All she cared about was that they were together again. They talked about life, and school, and recalled a few past memories. He told her that it was a surprise where they were going, and that he knew how much she hated surprises. So he wanted to keep her in suspense. She rolled her eyes and thought to herself about how well they knew each other. One day, she kept telling herself, he would realize that.

As they came through the tunnel, the city lights were shining bright. She loved this view and hoped that one day she would live in a skyscraper apartment building that overlooked the city. The busy city life excited her, as it did him. She stared out the window and watched the cars passing by.

He found a parking garage, got the ticket, handed it to her for safe keeping, and they walked out into the big city. She grabbed his hand and they started walking til they reached the restaurant. He gave the host his name, she grabbed two menus and said to follow her. She led them to a small candle lit table on the patio. He pulled out her chair and she sat down. They glanced through their menus, ordered their food and there they were: alone, together at last. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. To him, she was absolutely gorgeous. It bothered him that she couldn't see it. She too could not take her eyes off of him. He had the most beautiful green eyes, the most amazing hair, and his smile lit up the world. As they gazed into each other's eyes, he said he had something to tell her.

Her heart skipped a beat again. Could it be that he was going to finally ask her to be his? Or was he going to disappoint her once again?

He opened his mouth about to speak. Then closed. He said he didn't know how to say this. She waited in anticipation. Then he said it. She was so confused that she made him repeat it. He said he was leaving. He had accepted a job in Japan. It was what he had always dreamed of. She tried as hard as she could to hold back her disappointment and sadness. She said that she was very happy for him.

Once again. She was going to be left alone. And this time, he wouldn't be coming back.

They got their food, and sat in silence for a while. He looked at her and told her to talk to him. He realized her face had dropped. She looked at him, and couldn't take it anymore. She burst into tears. Mascara and eyeliner started running down her face and she got out of her seat and walked over to the overlook. He followed her. He grabbed her in his arms and told her not to cry. She said she couldn't stop. She couldn't handle it. She just stared off into the city. Tears streaming down her face.

Then he let go of her for a minute. He reached in his pocket for something. Maybe she thought it was a tissue. But when she turned around and looked, he was down on one knee. He looked up at her and told her how he had thought long and hard about accepting this job. He knew how much she would hate to have him leave. And when he thought about it, he couldn't live without her either. His only option was this. He opened the small box in his hand, which contained a ring. He looked into her eyes, told her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and asked if she would come with him to Japan, and be his wife.

The huge hole that had just developed in her heart all of a sudden disappeared. She squealed for joy and screamed yes yes yes as he stood to his feet. He pulled her close and kissed her lips. No more waiting. No more tears. No more lonely nights. He was finally hers and would be forever.

When You Find Yourself Missing

There have been so many things happening to me lately. So many choices and things to think about. I'd like to take a vacation and disappear for a while. Yet at the same time, I refuse to leave because I feel like something will happen if I do.

My thoughts and dreams are off in another world where things are perfect and fall into place. But my body is here where everything is corrupt and life seems to drag on every day, repeating the same old things.

I have such a strong desire for individuality. I know that may not shock you, since I keep to myself quite a lot, but I was raised to be dependent on family. Each day I get older, I feel as if a huge part of me is missing. I've got my Jesus, I've got friends, and my family hasn't gone anywhere. So what is it? Well, someone to love. Duh. (JB song runs through mind)

Yes, I love my family and my friends. I may even love some of my friends a little too much sometimes...and I know I seem quite infatuated with spending time with one in particular, but I'm still waiting for the right one.

Quite frankly, part of my soul has left my body in search for this very special person. And so in a way, I have gone missing. And while my soul is out searching, I wander aimlessly through life, looking for opportunities to fill my time, new adventures to embark on, and ways to make myself different from the crowd.

One of these things I have taken on as an individual, is becoming a vegetarian. Mostly for health reasons (consistent food poisoning), but also because it is a challenge.

I like to cook, a lot. And this is a great opportunity to develop my food skills. I have to plan ahead (something I'm not used to), I have to buy mostly everything, but the hardest part has been learning to cook for 1 rather than 7. I tend to make enough food to last me a few days. Which is ok sometimes. But not all the time.

...falling asleep. To be continued.

Time to be random

Not being at school every day with my ladies depresses me. It's like part of my world was just ripped away on the third of May.

Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with myself. I was never bored or confused about life before. But now it's like wow...what am I going to do with my life? lol

"We were meant to live for so much more...have we lost ourselves?"

Now that wedding season is in full swing, it's easy to get distracted and become overwhelmed with love and happiness. But that's only on weekends.

So the question is, what on earth am I to do the other 5 or 6 days of the week?

I haven't quite come up with a good answer for that. But my days are being filled with editing, music, watching Bones and other instant netflix movies, and the very long process of becoming an organized human being. (ha. ha. ha.)

Right now, I have a few goals.
1. Get a part time job during the week, doing whatever to save up money for a camera and a car.
2. Spend as much time as possible with friends before they go back to school. Which will really depress me when that happens. I will feel like I should go back too.
3. Read 10 books. (that's just this summer)
4. Cook as much of my own food as possible. This isn't too hard. I love cooking. And when you're the only vegetarian in the house, it kinda has to happen anyhow.
5. Finish the Saw movies. 1-3 accomplished..4-7 yet to come.
6. Read the entire Bible.
7. Auction off one of my photos and give the proceeds to medical research or some sort of missions program. Or maybe a kid who has a lot of needs. We'll see..
8. Write a new song. Words and music. Something I really enjoy.

You're probably thinking who the heck am I? lol
My diverse interests often confuse people.
My passions run deep and wide. There is way more to me and no one really understands. But I'm alright with that.

Tomorrow, I shall explore the potential in making almonds into a major food group.

...just kidding.

I love the warm weather. It is so fabulous. I want to move south. (and yes..I know that contradicts my whole life also. lol)

What can I say? I want to make 19 a fabulous year. And that means changes. And lots of them.

Any of you people ever want to hang out, just let me know. ;)

That's all for now folks.

Now I Am Unbreakable {Day 6&7}

This may become random...be warned.

"God, I want to dream again. Take me where I've never been. I want to go there. This time I'm not scared. Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable. No one can touch me. Nothing can stop me."

Yesterday was an interesting day for sure.

There's nothing like being so angry that you feel ready to explode.

Then fall on your face and beg God for relief.

Which is why I didn't post anything...

...but today, I woke up with the promise of God that He is always by my side no matter what.

And no matter what I feel, He is always in control.

What I am about to say may really go against what I had in mind for these two weeks.

But it has impacted me very much so.

This past winter, one of the weekends Mike was home from school, we were going out for lunch after church. He always plays some crazy awesome music while he drives.

I remember sitting there with my hair blowing in the wind.

This song came on.

"You're not alone. There is more to this I know. You can make it out. You will live to tell."

When the song ended, I asked him what it was called.

It's called "You're Not Alone" by Saosin.

I tucked it away in my head, and then got it off youtube when I got home.

Well, youtube quality sucks sometimes.

Saturday, my friend Mandy came over, and then Mike joined us for dinner and to play games afterwards.

He said he couldn't stand the silence, so he brought in some cd's from his car to listen to.

That song was on there.

Amy begged to keep the cd's, so Mike gave them to her, and then I took it (terrible I know..lol) and put it all into my itunes list.

So yesterday?

I'm playing my music, trying to drown out my frustration.

That song comes on.

Even though they aren't a christian band, that song has a very good message.

It came on just at the right time.

I've heard "Just give it to Jesus. He understands. He's been through it all."

But until I read over and over what He went through, I never really believed it.

I mean any problem at all, you name it, He experienced it.

I was reading today in Matthew (taking a momentary break from 1 Kings..)

and it was talking about the pharisees coming to Jesus and accusing Him of working on the sabbath.

Then how Jesus would heal every single person who would follow Him, then command them not to tell anyone. And I couldn't figure out why He would say that. I mean, if I had the ability to heal, I'd want everyone to come to be healed right?

He did it because He humbled Himself and became a servant.

What is it like to be God and be a servant?

I have no clue.

But it's hard enough being HUMAN and being a servant.

To have a heart like that...man...that would be amazing. But very difficult.

I don't do too much to serve others.

So then I was thinking, isn't my ultimate goal to become like Christ?

The unachievable yet best goal anyone can set.

When I look at the life of Jesus, giving up on trying to be like Him is very easy.

To even pick one thing seems like an impossible task.

And really, without Him, it is.

But I forget quite often that He is in me. He gives me the power. I am His daughter.

He can do anything in me.

And that's what I want.

It's The Death Of Me {Day 5}

Starting the day off by going to church is a great thing. But when you go to get in your car after church, and you bash your head off the side as you're getting in, well that's like a bad omen for the rest of the day.

Between splitting headaches, pure exhaustion, and oh yeah..it's mother's day so there are people here, I was worn out.

After lunch, I took a long nap. I couldn't even think straight. I think my brain moved.

I think the sermon Pastor Ron gave this morning was meant for me. 5 ways to become depressed, and 5 ways that God tries to change you through it. Amen. It was really good.

Then the part of the day comes that I don't want to think about anything, but instead just drown out all noise and thoughts that are in my head. So it's time to blare music. Choice for today? Royal Tailor, who I saw in concert a month ago. Mike lent me the cd this morning. So it was perfect.

"Lost, I was wandering around

Hoping I could find a place

I'd be more than just a face in the crowd

I heard one day You came

Turned the lost into the saved

Now You're showing me the way

All along I've been believing I was living

But now that I'm free, I finally see

Livings's worth dying for

Buried with You

You're making me new

The old me's dead and gone

This is the death of me

...

Your words were just ink on a page

Always so hard to believe

Until You revealed to me that

Your love stepped into the world

Now my past has been erased

'Cause You saved me with your grace, Your grace

All along I've been believing I was living

But now that I'm free, I finally see

Livings's worth dying for

Buried with You

You're making me new

The old me's dead and gone

This is the death of me

...

No more holding on to all my secrets

No more living with these broken pieces

Now my life's been changed

...

Today is a new day

And I'll never be the same

No, no no

It's the death of me."

If you can read that and not be shaken by the power of what that means, then you must be a robot or something. That's called "Death of Me" by Royal Tailor by the way...

I was reading yesterday how God promised Solomon that if He would worship Him alone, and not serve any other God's, and honor Him, He would never let the temple fall, or Solomon's house. But if he did not obey God's commands, God would remove Himself from the temple, and it would fall and people and generations would come by and see the ruins and say (1kings9:9) "Because they abandoned the Lord their God who brought their fathers out of the land of Egypt and laid hold on other gods and worshiped them and served them. Therefore the Lord has brought all this disaster on them."

God promised Solomon all these things if he would just follow His simple commands, and He told him exactly what would happen if he disobeyed. You can't say that God didn't know that Solomon would break His commands...He told him the future and it's consequences. And it happened. God never breaks His word.

And for that, I am glad and terrified at the same time.

So I Stand Here In Silence, Awaiting Your Guidance {Day 4}

"Give me words to speak

Don't let my spirit sleep

Cause I can't think of anything worth saying

But I know that I owe you my life"

1 Kings 8:27 "But will God indeed dwell on the earth? Behold, heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain you; how much less this house that I have built!

vs. 61 "Let your heart therefore be wholly true to the Lord our God, walking in his statues and keeping his commandments, as at this day."

I had a marvelous day. :)