The Fine Line Between Friends and Foes

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are telling someone that they are your best friend and then the next moment, accuse them of doing something that makes them your worst enemy?

I have.

And I often wonder afterwards "Well, were they really being my friend? Or just going with the flow?"
I am quick to accuse.
There is a long story behind why I am this way, and maybe I'll write about it one day.
But for now, let me just say that one of my worst fears is being rejected by a friend. Again.
And that makes me quick to accuse anyone who wants to be close to me.

In our culture of facebook friends and myspace pals, real friendship has been lost. Sure, I can have 400 facebook friends and not be close to a single one of them. Somedays, it seems as if my real friends who I actually see, don't mean much because of it. I can say "Yeah, you may say that I mean a lot to you, but I have a billion facebook friends who will say the same thing. And they don't even know me like you do!"

I know there are people who just add every single person who pops up in their recommended friends list. But I am not one of those people. All but two people in my friend list on facebook, I have met. And the other two are mutual friends who I have heard much about. So it seems like I know them.

I also have my own policy that I will not add anyone whom I despise. Instead, I often block those people. :) Yes, that may seem cruel. But my life is private. They don't even need to see my profile picture. (and if any of those people stalk other people the way I do, then.....yeah.)

My friend list is longer than my enemy list. :) But there are days where I wonder about who really is my true friend? The way I get lonely sometimes, you would think I'm a dull person who just wants to be alone. But no. I want close friendships. And I just want someone to accept me for who I am at every moment that I feel alone. Someone who will be there for me when I need a hug the most, and when I want to hit the restart button on my life.

So if you are wondering, my "foe" list is composed of people who don't care one bit, have hurt me in some way, or who have rejected me after pretending to be someone they are not. Have I misunderstood some of these people? Yes. Have I done my part in friendship every time? No. Why? It depends. Some of the time I don't care. Other times, I don't want to be a good friend or get close to someone because I know they will only cause me misery.

 If you've ever experienced "friendly torture" then you know how I've felt my whole life. I would describe friendly torture as having a close friend who knows everything about you, who you trust, and then they start taking your secrets one by one and shouting them to the world. The first few it doesn't really matter. But after the 4th and 5th times it happens, you just want to scream. This person is no longer your friend, but is quickly becoming your worst enemy.

I like to watch people. And it's usually the so called "best friends" who always engage in friendly torture. It ruins any relationship you may have with that person. Quite often, that relationship can become verbally abusive. And I've been fearful my whole life of having a best friend, because I never wanted this to happen to me.

Then I found someone I could trust. Told her everything about me. EVERYTHING. She knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. She knew my faults, and seemed to accept me anyway. It's funny now how I can look back and see that I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. She wasn't as honest with me as I was with her. I was easily trusting. And of course, she turned on me and engaged in friendly torture when I needed her the most. I became a very emotional person during this time. And I have been since then. I'm so terrified of this happening again.

There indeed is an extremely fine line between friends and foes. And I'm constantly watching my back, just waiting for the next person to shun me. "You worry too much" people tell me. And that's probably true. I'm always afraid that if you don't speak to me, I may have done something to offend you. I don't want to become the friend that I hate so much. And some days, I wonder if since I dwell on it so much, that I may become like her.

So always be on your guard. NEVER let it down. Those are are dear to you may be the ones to turn on you. It won't always happen, but I've seen it happen to all my friends again and again.

Yes, once again, I know this post has become about me. But this is what I write about. Things that have happened to me.

Coming up next: My Battle with Hydrocephalus, and how I was drawn to God through it.