Maybe Wishes Can Come True

Being stuck in the friend zone was never her idea of a perfect life. She loved him with everything she had. She would give anything for just one more minute alone. He was perfect. Every single aspect of him. At least she thought so.

Her birthday was coming up. Another year of being single and alone. Each year she would pray that by the next year, he would ask her to be more than just a friend. But each year, it became a bigger disappointment. She would never give up hope though. One day, one day they'd be together. Happy. In love. Far away somewhere, where they could forget about life for a while.

The buzz of her cell phone startled her. She looked down and saw his name. Slightly confused to why he was calling her instead of sending the usual text, she answered. His amazing voice flooded her ears and her heart began to melt again, as she heard him ask her to meet him at his house the following saturday. Nothing unusual about that. They had gone out on what most people would consider to be a date many times before, and quite frequently hung out at his house. But this time it was different because he told her to wear her new red dress, and that they were going to dinner in the city. She was so excited. She said she would meet him at 6 next saturday. One more thing, he said don't be late. Slightly confused since she was never late to anything, she hung up the phone.

The hole in her heart seemed to close for a moment, then she began to feel just how far away next saturday was. Everything in her life was a countdown to when she would see his face again. He had been gone for a while at college. Every few weekends, he would come home, take her out for lunch, and they would talk about life. It was always something to look forward to, but never anything serious.

This was different. They had never gone to dinner in the city before, let alone dressed up. She had, however, made up her mind that she would never assume they were going on a real date unless he said those words himself. She had been disappointed too many times before. Was it too much to hope this time? She decided to not let herself think that way, once again. They were just friends; probably always would be.

The week seemed to drag on as it always did when she was excited. He always told her she became way too excited about so many things, and should try to calm down and let things happen. That was impossible though. She was passionate about many things, and that made her very excited. Her state of chill was almost non existent.

Saturday was finally here. She slept in as long as she could so that 6 o'clock would come faster. She took a shower and lathered herself in the body wash she had just purchased just for this day. She did her hair and makeup very carefully. Looking her best was always on her mind, especially when she was going to see him. As she pulled her new red dress over her head and down to her legs, she glanced in the mirror. Never once did she look at herself and think she was beautiful. But tonight, she thought she was closer than ever. After applying some lipstick, spraying on some perfume, and then sliding on her new pair of heels, she grabbed her purse and jumped in her car, praying it would start as usual. The roar of the engine made her heart skip a beat as she thought of seeing him once again.

It was a 20 minute drive to his house. Never once did she ever drive the speed limit to get there. She knew she shouldn't rush because she had plenty of time, but the thought of hearing his voice, seeing his smile, and having him wrap his arms tightly around her again made her want to get there as fast as she possibly could.

As she pulled down his road, she saw his silver nissan. It was the car she had spent many days riding in the passenger seat. They would go for a drive, listen to his latest collection of music, sing their hearts out, and laugh a lot. He always drove with the windows down, and would tease her about how her hair would always looked messy when they reached their destination. She didn't care. It made her smile.

The car door slammed shut, and she quickly walked to the front door. She didn't knock, just walked right in as she always did. She rushed to his room, where he was waiting. One look at her blew him away. She was stunning. She ran into his arms and just stayed there for a moment. He always smelled so good, and she always told him that. He would just laugh. They exchanged a few words about missing each other and how nice it was to see you again. He grabbed his jacket, and asked her if she was ready for an adventure. Well why wouldn't she be? So they walked down the stairs, out the door, and he walked around to open her car door. He had never done that before, so she was pleasantly surprised. He closed the door, and got into the drivers seat; asked her what music she would like to listen to. She never knew what to say because he had so much. She enjoyed listening to almost anything he would play. He handed her his iPod as he started his car. 160 GB worth of music was a lot to choose from, but she knew what song she wanted to listen to. It was one of the first songs he had ever given her. It reminded her of her favorite day they had spent together. It started playing, and he smiled. Whether he knew it or not, she related a lot of songs to their time together, and had her own playlist of songs that would make her think of him.

It was a long drive into the city. She sure didn't mind. All she cared about was that they were together again. They talked about life, and school, and recalled a few past memories. He told her that it was a surprise where they were going, and that he knew how much she hated surprises. So he wanted to keep her in suspense. She rolled her eyes and thought to herself about how well they knew each other. One day, she kept telling herself, he would realize that.

As they came through the tunnel, the city lights were shining bright. She loved this view and hoped that one day she would live in a skyscraper apartment building that overlooked the city. The busy city life excited her, as it did him. She stared out the window and watched the cars passing by.

He found a parking garage, got the ticket, handed it to her for safe keeping, and they walked out into the big city. She grabbed his hand and they started walking til they reached the restaurant. He gave the host his name, she grabbed two menus and said to follow her. She led them to a small candle lit table on the patio. He pulled out her chair and she sat down. They glanced through their menus, ordered their food and there they were: alone, together at last. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. To him, she was absolutely gorgeous. It bothered him that she couldn't see it. She too could not take her eyes off of him. He had the most beautiful green eyes, the most amazing hair, and his smile lit up the world. As they gazed into each other's eyes, he said he had something to tell her.

Her heart skipped a beat again. Could it be that he was going to finally ask her to be his? Or was he going to disappoint her once again?

He opened his mouth about to speak. Then closed. He said he didn't know how to say this. She waited in anticipation. Then he said it. She was so confused that she made him repeat it. He said he was leaving. He had accepted a job in Japan. It was what he had always dreamed of. She tried as hard as she could to hold back her disappointment and sadness. She said that she was very happy for him.

Once again. She was going to be left alone. And this time, he wouldn't be coming back.

They got their food, and sat in silence for a while. He looked at her and told her to talk to him. He realized her face had dropped. She looked at him, and couldn't take it anymore. She burst into tears. Mascara and eyeliner started running down her face and she got out of her seat and walked over to the overlook. He followed her. He grabbed her in his arms and told her not to cry. She said she couldn't stop. She couldn't handle it. She just stared off into the city. Tears streaming down her face.

Then he let go of her for a minute. He reached in his pocket for something. Maybe she thought it was a tissue. But when she turned around and looked, he was down on one knee. He looked up at her and told her how he had thought long and hard about accepting this job. He knew how much she would hate to have him leave. And when he thought about it, he couldn't live without her either. His only option was this. He opened the small box in his hand, which contained a ring. He looked into her eyes, told her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and asked if she would come with him to Japan, and be his wife.

The huge hole that had just developed in her heart all of a sudden disappeared. She squealed for joy and screamed yes yes yes as he stood to his feet. He pulled her close and kissed her lips. No more waiting. No more tears. No more lonely nights. He was finally hers and would be forever.

When You Find Yourself Missing

There have been so many things happening to me lately. So many choices and things to think about. I'd like to take a vacation and disappear for a while. Yet at the same time, I refuse to leave because I feel like something will happen if I do.

My thoughts and dreams are off in another world where things are perfect and fall into place. But my body is here where everything is corrupt and life seems to drag on every day, repeating the same old things.

I have such a strong desire for individuality. I know that may not shock you, since I keep to myself quite a lot, but I was raised to be dependent on family. Each day I get older, I feel as if a huge part of me is missing. I've got my Jesus, I've got friends, and my family hasn't gone anywhere. So what is it? Well, someone to love. Duh. (JB song runs through mind)

Yes, I love my family and my friends. I may even love some of my friends a little too much sometimes...and I know I seem quite infatuated with spending time with one in particular, but I'm still waiting for the right one.

Quite frankly, part of my soul has left my body in search for this very special person. And so in a way, I have gone missing. And while my soul is out searching, I wander aimlessly through life, looking for opportunities to fill my time, new adventures to embark on, and ways to make myself different from the crowd.

One of these things I have taken on as an individual, is becoming a vegetarian. Mostly for health reasons (consistent food poisoning), but also because it is a challenge.

I like to cook, a lot. And this is a great opportunity to develop my food skills. I have to plan ahead (something I'm not used to), I have to buy mostly everything, but the hardest part has been learning to cook for 1 rather than 7. I tend to make enough food to last me a few days. Which is ok sometimes. But not all the time.

...falling asleep. To be continued.

Time to be random

Not being at school every day with my ladies depresses me. It's like part of my world was just ripped away on the third of May.

Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with myself. I was never bored or confused about life before. But now it's like wow...what am I going to do with my life? lol

"We were meant to live for so much more...have we lost ourselves?"

Now that wedding season is in full swing, it's easy to get distracted and become overwhelmed with love and happiness. But that's only on weekends.

So the question is, what on earth am I to do the other 5 or 6 days of the week?

I haven't quite come up with a good answer for that. But my days are being filled with editing, music, watching Bones and other instant netflix movies, and the very long process of becoming an organized human being. (ha. ha. ha.)

Right now, I have a few goals.
1. Get a part time job during the week, doing whatever to save up money for a camera and a car.
2. Spend as much time as possible with friends before they go back to school. Which will really depress me when that happens. I will feel like I should go back too.
3. Read 10 books. (that's just this summer)
4. Cook as much of my own food as possible. This isn't too hard. I love cooking. And when you're the only vegetarian in the house, it kinda has to happen anyhow.
5. Finish the Saw movies. 1-3 accomplished..4-7 yet to come.
6. Read the entire Bible.
7. Auction off one of my photos and give the proceeds to medical research or some sort of missions program. Or maybe a kid who has a lot of needs. We'll see..
8. Write a new song. Words and music. Something I really enjoy.

You're probably thinking who the heck am I? lol
My diverse interests often confuse people.
My passions run deep and wide. There is way more to me and no one really understands. But I'm alright with that.

Tomorrow, I shall explore the potential in making almonds into a major food group.

...just kidding.

I love the warm weather. It is so fabulous. I want to move south. (and yes..I know that contradicts my whole life also. lol)

What can I say? I want to make 19 a fabulous year. And that means changes. And lots of them.

Any of you people ever want to hang out, just let me know. ;)

That's all for now folks.

Now I Am Unbreakable {Day 6&7}

This may become random...be warned.

"God, I want to dream again. Take me where I've never been. I want to go there. This time I'm not scared. Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable. No one can touch me. Nothing can stop me."

Yesterday was an interesting day for sure.

There's nothing like being so angry that you feel ready to explode.

Then fall on your face and beg God for relief.

Which is why I didn't post anything...

...but today, I woke up with the promise of God that He is always by my side no matter what.

And no matter what I feel, He is always in control.

What I am about to say may really go against what I had in mind for these two weeks.

But it has impacted me very much so.

This past winter, one of the weekends Mike was home from school, we were going out for lunch after church. He always plays some crazy awesome music while he drives.

I remember sitting there with my hair blowing in the wind.

This song came on.

"You're not alone. There is more to this I know. You can make it out. You will live to tell."

When the song ended, I asked him what it was called.

It's called "You're Not Alone" by Saosin.

I tucked it away in my head, and then got it off youtube when I got home.

Well, youtube quality sucks sometimes.

Saturday, my friend Mandy came over, and then Mike joined us for dinner and to play games afterwards.

He said he couldn't stand the silence, so he brought in some cd's from his car to listen to.

That song was on there.

Amy begged to keep the cd's, so Mike gave them to her, and then I took it (terrible I know..lol) and put it all into my itunes list.

So yesterday?

I'm playing my music, trying to drown out my frustration.

That song comes on.

Even though they aren't a christian band, that song has a very good message.

It came on just at the right time.

I've heard "Just give it to Jesus. He understands. He's been through it all."

But until I read over and over what He went through, I never really believed it.

I mean any problem at all, you name it, He experienced it.

I was reading today in Matthew (taking a momentary break from 1 Kings..)

and it was talking about the pharisees coming to Jesus and accusing Him of working on the sabbath.

Then how Jesus would heal every single person who would follow Him, then command them not to tell anyone. And I couldn't figure out why He would say that. I mean, if I had the ability to heal, I'd want everyone to come to be healed right?

He did it because He humbled Himself and became a servant.

What is it like to be God and be a servant?

I have no clue.

But it's hard enough being HUMAN and being a servant.

To have a heart like that...man...that would be amazing. But very difficult.

I don't do too much to serve others.

So then I was thinking, isn't my ultimate goal to become like Christ?

The unachievable yet best goal anyone can set.

When I look at the life of Jesus, giving up on trying to be like Him is very easy.

To even pick one thing seems like an impossible task.

And really, without Him, it is.

But I forget quite often that He is in me. He gives me the power. I am His daughter.

He can do anything in me.

And that's what I want.

It's The Death Of Me {Day 5}

Starting the day off by going to church is a great thing. But when you go to get in your car after church, and you bash your head off the side as you're getting in, well that's like a bad omen for the rest of the day.

Between splitting headaches, pure exhaustion, and oh yeah..it's mother's day so there are people here, I was worn out.

After lunch, I took a long nap. I couldn't even think straight. I think my brain moved.

I think the sermon Pastor Ron gave this morning was meant for me. 5 ways to become depressed, and 5 ways that God tries to change you through it. Amen. It was really good.

Then the part of the day comes that I don't want to think about anything, but instead just drown out all noise and thoughts that are in my head. So it's time to blare music. Choice for today? Royal Tailor, who I saw in concert a month ago. Mike lent me the cd this morning. So it was perfect.

"Lost, I was wandering around

Hoping I could find a place

I'd be more than just a face in the crowd

I heard one day You came

Turned the lost into the saved

Now You're showing me the way

All along I've been believing I was living

But now that I'm free, I finally see

Livings's worth dying for

Buried with You

You're making me new

The old me's dead and gone

This is the death of me

...

Your words were just ink on a page

Always so hard to believe

Until You revealed to me that

Your love stepped into the world

Now my past has been erased

'Cause You saved me with your grace, Your grace

All along I've been believing I was living

But now that I'm free, I finally see

Livings's worth dying for

Buried with You

You're making me new

The old me's dead and gone

This is the death of me

...

No more holding on to all my secrets

No more living with these broken pieces

Now my life's been changed

...

Today is a new day

And I'll never be the same

No, no no

It's the death of me."

If you can read that and not be shaken by the power of what that means, then you must be a robot or something. That's called "Death of Me" by Royal Tailor by the way...

I was reading yesterday how God promised Solomon that if He would worship Him alone, and not serve any other God's, and honor Him, He would never let the temple fall, or Solomon's house. But if he did not obey God's commands, God would remove Himself from the temple, and it would fall and people and generations would come by and see the ruins and say (1kings9:9) "Because they abandoned the Lord their God who brought their fathers out of the land of Egypt and laid hold on other gods and worshiped them and served them. Therefore the Lord has brought all this disaster on them."

God promised Solomon all these things if he would just follow His simple commands, and He told him exactly what would happen if he disobeyed. You can't say that God didn't know that Solomon would break His commands...He told him the future and it's consequences. And it happened. God never breaks His word.

And for that, I am glad and terrified at the same time.

So I Stand Here In Silence, Awaiting Your Guidance {Day 4}

"Give me words to speak

Don't let my spirit sleep

Cause I can't think of anything worth saying

But I know that I owe you my life"

1 Kings 8:27 "But will God indeed dwell on the earth? Behold, heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain you; how much less this house that I have built!

vs. 61 "Let your heart therefore be wholly true to the Lord our God, walking in his statues and keeping his commandments, as at this day."

I had a marvelous day. :)

I'm Not Giving In Now {Day 3}

Because its late, I'm going to make this short. :)

Today I read about the building of the temple. And wow, just the words that describe the details are amazing. To be able to have seen it would have been an honor. Let alone help build it.

I didn't do too much today besides relax. I tend to play scenarios over in my head when I am relaxing. That is one if the things that people say I am very negative for. My brain doesn't believe in happy endings apparently. My dreams are proof of that.

But I believe if everything in life is handed to you perfect, there is never room to improve or correct your faults.

I do wish that life was simpler though. Reading minds would be a great ability to have. I wouldn't always be wondering "what does he really think?"
Or "will she keep that promise?"

God's not like that though. We know what he thinks, and that he always keeps his promises.

But waiting on His timing?? I hate it. But it's one of those things that time can actually help. And I'm learning that with prayers.

Goodnight y'all. :)

"I won't give you more than you can take" {Day 2}

"Who you are ain't what your going through

So don't let it get the best of you

Cause God knows everything you need, so you ain't gotta worry

You may be knocked down now

but just believe what He said, He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take

and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break

and No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o

Don't you forget what He said."

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

I have been reminded today of how true this verse is.

Today, God performed a miracle that when I arrived at the Apple Store in Pittsburgh, my Mac miraculously started working again in the way it's supposed to. I found out that if I would have had to get it repaired, it would've cost me about $200. Which..I don't have. And I am so thankful that I don't have to put myself in more debt with this.

THEN...

oh yes it gets better..

At my photo shoot tonight, I arrived to find out that a very dear friend (who is from church) was there.

She and I talked and talked.

I really believe that God puts the right people into our lives at the right moments. And this was one of those moments. I can't wait to hang out with her this summer. It's going to be awesome. :)

But anyhow...this morning before I jumped into the busy day, I read 1 Kings 2.

To summarize, that's the chapter where King Solomon is ruling, and two women come to him, and how the one woman accuses the other of stealing her baby in the night, because she had suffocated him.

King Solomon's response to it was 'Well lets cut the baby in half then.' and to that, the real mother of the child, who didn't want to see her baby die, stood up and said, 'No, she can have him if you are going to do that.' And because of what she said, the King knew that she was his rightful mother, because she cared about her child.

It goes on to say about the wisdom of Solomon, and how he knew to propose the solution which would bring them an answer. That wisdom which can only come from God is just unfathomable. Everyone says that King Solomon is known for the wisdom God gave him, yet he still corrupted himself in the end.

Even still...what would it be like to have wisdom like that?

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

WOAH. What?

God gives out wisdom like that if you ask???

Gee, I'm asking right now then.

But seriously, the Bible says it. I'd take advantage of that if I were you. That's one promise of God that we can all take a hold of at any time.

I don't know about you, but I could use some wisdom right about now.

God is faithful, not only to give wisdom, but that first verse up there, 1 Cor. 10:13, He won't give you anything that you can't handle. So when I think I'm not strong enough, um..yeah..God thinks I am. When I am ready to give up, heck no, God is right there saying "You can do this. I promise you can. I promise you will make it through. And because I promised that, it will be fulfilled. You can count on it. Don't take life into your own hands when you think you can't go on. Just give it to Me. I already know you can survive what I put on your plate today, and tomorrow, and the rest of your life. So just accept it. You'll understand one day."

And that's all for today. I am really looking forward to what God has planned out for tomorrow. I am excited.

(yes..me excited..I know that's so rare. :P )

Start Over {The New Beginning} Day 1

"Every moment is a second chance at starting over..at starting over. Look from the past to the present tense. You can start over...start over again."

It's a battle to not be angry at someone or something at every moment of the day. The course of events that my life has taken me on, has led me down the road of anger and bitterness. (not to mention a medical condition that I will have for the rest of my life which makes everything worse, but I can't blame that anymore.)

I know that with God's help, I can be who He wants me to be. And so I ask Him, quite frequently, to change me. To make me His and His alone. To help me to trust Him. But I never let go enough for Him to change me.

Now that I have graduated college, and am trying to figure out what I am going to do for the rest of my life, I realize I need God more than ever. Then it frustrates me when I think about who I am, and what I've become: This monster, one that eats me from the inside out, so that it doesn't show most of the time. I only confide in two people because I don't want anyone to see me for who I really am. That's not who I want to be known as.

Most people would say that I am a fake then. And to that, I say it is better to be fake than to be someone who no one wants to know or be friends with. I think if everyone was more honest, we're all pretty fake. If we were all to take our masks off, most of us would probably just want to be alone for the rest of our lives anyhow...at least that's how I would feel. Ashamed, embarrassed, and just pure sinful.

Even as I think about this, I don't know how..I don't understand what Jesus was thinking when He loved me and then proved it by dying and wiping away my sin. He suffered so that I don't have to suffer in this life. He died and payed my sin debt so I wouldn't have to be separated from Him and glorious redemption forever.

He did all that for me, so why is it so hard to trust Him?

There is no excuse. It's all my stupid pride getting in the way. I like to be in control. I like to lead. I like to think that I can solve all my problems by myself, even though I know I can do nothing without Him.

So I'm taking upon myself a challenge. I don't know for how long, but my desire is for the effects to last forever. Some of these things will be for two weeks, some of them are just what I want to change permanently. So here they are:

1. When I wake up, the first thing I want to do instead of checking facebook for new notifications, I want to pray. The best way to start off the day is with the door open to God from the start.

2. I will not update my facebook status for 2 weeks. AND I will not spend more than 5 minutes on there a day. If you need me, text me or call me. (..yes..my name is Ellen and I am completely addicted to facebook)

3. The only book I will read for two weeks, is the Bible. God can't speak to me if I don't crack open what He wrote for me. All His instructions are right there written out. I just need to open up the manual and actually read it. Oh..and I know it's important to pray and ask God to open my eyes before I read, so each time, I will be doing that.

4. MUSIC. I don't believe in music fasts. I don't believe it's Biblical. BUT for the next two weeks, no matter what I'm listening to, it will be Christian music. Car radio will be tuned into K-Love, and it will not be turned off that. My itunes list will be sorted by genre..and play nothing but the "Christian & Gospel" and "Gospel & Religious" section.
THERE IS A DIFFICULT PART TO THIS. My sister likes to blast her music all day long, and she doesn't listen to christian music. I may get her to try and bear with me and maybe take this challenge too. Otherwise, I am going to invest in some headphones.

5. I bought a journal. Usually I rip them up at the end of the year and toss them in the trash, but this is a different kind of journaling. I want to remember how God speaks to me every day. I want to look back and see how far I've come. And I want to watch my prayers be answered again.

6. I'm going to take the things I gave up on, like praying for certain people, and start it over again. I'm not a person to give up easily, but there are somethings I've prayed for, for years, and they just never were answered. Not yet. I want to build up my faith by trusting God that they can still happen.

7. I want to be kept accountable. I want someone to text me every day and say "Hey, how are you doing? Are you keeping it up? What has God taught you today?"
However, the only way I know to do that, unless someone volunteers, is to blog every day.
And if I miss a day, I will count on some of you to beat me up...in a non literal way. ;)

So here I go.
I can do this.
You can too.

Just some thoughts..

I lie in wait for the day you come

My heart writhes with so much pain

I wish every second that you were here with me

Maybe life would be different

But now it’s just a shade of grey

I ache to hear your voice

I long to see your face

The thought of your touch sends me to agony

Knowing that you’re still not here

I miss you more than words can describe

Yet I don’t believe I know you yet

I’ve waited for you day and night

Knowing that you may never arrive

But if I am to be left alone

Then I pray that I may die quickly

Just the thought of that makes me cringe

You’re not just any guy

You’re special

You hand will fit perfectly in mine

You may drive me crazy

But it’s always for a good reason

You will be easy to love

And hard to forget

Because the day I find you

Will change my life

I will hold in my heart forever

Just waiting

When you get here, I’ll be ready

Ready to fall so deeply in love

When you see me, you’ll smile

And my heart will skip a beat

When you hold out your arms

I’ll be right there in your embrace

When you whisper that you’re here

Tell me that you’ll never leave me alone

The Way I Feel About Church, And Church People - pt. 1

Most people don’t see church the way I do. And somedays that is a good thing. But many times it is a bad thing. It is a good thing because most people haven’t been through the pain and agony that will rip you apart, and can be found in any church out there. But it is also a bad thing because people are blind to it. Most church goers are stuck in their own little world where God is perfect and makes everything work out for good. Don’t get me wrong, He always does. But it certainly doesn’t happen the way they think it does.

It comes down to three types of people who attend church. The unconscious “I go because I have to”, The wannabe who wishes they were better but won’t do what it takes, and the one who is sold out for God.

Let me start with what a lot of people unconsciously do when they come to church.

The first thing you do when you walk in the door is wonder where the coffee and doughnuts are.

Then you see Ashley across the room wearing a dress that makes her look like a prostitute. You think to yourself “Why doesn’t anyone do something about her?”

The next thing you know, you’re talking to one of your friends, gossiping about Ashley, and what family member has angered you. Clearly you think you know what they should be doing, and you would love to get the chance to tell them.

You walk into the service and hope the music isn’t too loud and that the worship leaders can really sing and won’t ruin your day.

You hope to sing something exciting that gets your blood pumping and maybe give you that chance to raise your hands, to make it look like you are praising God with all that you have. But really, you’re just trying to make yourself look good.

Then the offering comes around. You throw in a few bucks you have in your pocket, because this is the one part of church you always forget about. Sometimes you may throw in a $20 if the person next to you seems important. Once again, just to make yourself look more righteous.

The pastor gets up. You stare at him for a while, wondering about where he got his shirt or his haircut. Then you hope he doesn’t drone on today. Afterall, you’ve got a Steeler’s game to watch.

7 minutes in, you start dozing off. Brad sitting next to you, sees you doing the head bob, and he pokes you. You jolt up. And now you’re wide awake. You’ve missed the last 10 minutes cause you were day dreaming about your new video game you just purchased. Now you have no idea what the pastor was even talking about.

He makes a few good points, then it’s time for communion. “Why do they do this every week?” you wonder. It’s such a routine that when you take your piece of bread and juice, you gulp them down without even thinking about the reason behind them. The God of the universe sacrificed His life for you. And you can’t even repay Him by staying awake or focused to get closer to Him.

Sometimes after that, the pastor gives an altar call. Come forward if you have any burdens. Well your aunt died this week. So you go forward to ask for prayer. Kneeling at the altar makes you look even more humble. Yet that indeed you are not.

You leave the church, go home and get distracted with everything else in your life. You have no desire for getting any closer to God than going to church. Cracking your Bible open is reserved for once a week.

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If you know me pretty well, most likely you are not the person above. But maybe you are part of that person. 

I know I was for a very long time.

Just think about it. Don’t be offended. Because I am not saying that everyone is like that.

But the truth is, the majority of church goers are.

Will be continued...

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had the most beautiful smile. She always seemed to be happy. She was quiet around her family and loved to talk around her friends. She wasn’t popular, but she knew a lot of people. She didn’t have many friends, but she had a few that she held very close.

She would dream about the day her prince charming would come. He clearly wasn’t any of the guys she knew. They were all very strange and weird, and they all liked sports way too much. But still she would dream about how they would meet. How he would take her hand, sing her favorite song, and take her to a mountaintop and ask her to marry him. That was really far off though. She had all the time in the world to find prince charming.

One day, while she was at school, something happened to her and she fell very ill. Her beautiful smile would vanish and she would moan in pain. All of a sudden, one by one, each of her friends started to abandon her because she couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. She was no fun to be around. They didn’t know that all she wanted was to feel well again. And that if she could, she would try and make them see just how much she needed them. But it never happened. For 3 years she suffered in pain and agony. Then finally, God gave her relief.

Things started to turn around. The girl was becoming a woman. She began to realize that friends would be your friends no matter what you were going through. And that the people who still cared about her were her true friends.

However, bitterness and anger were lingering in her heart. She wanted to go back and change everything, even though that couldn’t happen. She was mad at the people who were rude and arrogant towards her. There were times when these same people would even attack her family right in front of her. Quite often, she would just sit and cry. She hoped that maybe she could disappear from this cruel world. Then one day, she got away from many of them.

She went off to college where she made three best friends. She didn’t know that those three would later on be the only people to really care about her. They would help her out of a huge problem she had which involved a devilish man dressed as prince charming. They helped her overcome a lot of huge issues. They always made her laugh, and they did everything they could to make her smile again. They were the best friends she had always hoped for. Even though she had even more anger and bitterness now, she just kept covering it up…telling everyone she was fine and over it all. She even convinced herself.

A week before her 18^th birthday, she met someone wonderful, someone who today she calls her best friend. They got along very well together. One day she decided to trust him and tell him about her life. He told her that she was a reflection of his past, and that he could help her overcome her anger. But he made one thing very clear, to not trust him, but to trust God instead. Only God could help her and she should trust Him with her life. He said he could point her in the right direction, but from there she would have to find the path she was meant to take. He made her see that even though she thought she could forget her past, and want to start over, it would never happen. It would always be there. But until she could stare defeat in the face and say that she was better than that, and that she was here for a better purpose, nothing would change. She would be stuck in the rut of being unhappy. And ultimately never be able to love someone because she didn’t trust anyone to be different than those who had betrayed her in the past. She would always be angry whenever something small went wrong.

The girl knew this. She had been confronted many times with this issue. Each time she thought she had resolved it. She had the outcome of being happy again and trusting people, but only for a short while. She only did it to make other people happy, and to make it seem like she was reaching the ultimate goal.

But she never did. She never really understood that she was so focused on the end, that she’d cover up the middle to get to it. Her smile faded. Her joy wasn’t in it. She had no desire to deal with the past. Afterall, it seemed to have ruined her life. She would rather run far away and forget everything. Hit that reset button she always talked about.

Then one day she realized that running from her problems wouldn’t solve anything. She was always being haunted in her dreams by her past and her fears. She knew it was time for a change. It was time to take what had potentially ruined her and dig it back up. It wasn’t buried that deep so it wasn’t hard. But once the memories started flooding over her, she wanted to quit again.

Her best friend urged her not to. He said it was going to be painful. It was going to hurt. But it was going to be worth it.

It took her a very long time to sort things out in her mind. She really didn’t think it was worth it.

She knew there were things she had to do, people she had to go to that she had hurt in the process, and ask for forgiveness. There was no way she wanted to do that.

But one Sunday in church, she made up her mind. There were two people from the past she knew she had to talk to in order to be at peace before she could move on. She had everything planned out how it would go. 

She talked to the first person. It was easy.

Then all of a sudden, one of her college friends crushed her. She wanted to give up immediately, because the second person she had to go to was involved in the situation. She didn’t want her heart to be broken any more. Ready to give up, she shut herself up for a few days. But God kept telling her over and over again, “You promised me you would go to this second person. You are so angry, and I understand this is making it worse. But you can’t be mad anymore. Go. Do it.”

She had her opportunity, and she took it. Finally she was at peace. But now she had this other situation to deal with. She thought she would just ignore it. Look past, and not worry about anything. But the girl realized that she was even more of a bitter person now that she was before.

Her anger came out in everything. No matter what she was doing or who she was with. You could always tell something was up. She would explode every night. She couldn’t get control over herself. God seemed to not be helping her at all. She would read her Bible, searching for answers. She would pray and ask God to help her. She was always so uneasy about everything.

Until she realized, the problem was her. Her smile faded because she let it. She was always unhappy because she let herself be unhappy. She was angry because that was how she felt alive. And the only way she could change? Well, let’s just say I know what I need to do now.

This isn’t just a once upon a time. Fairytales have a happy ending. And I have the choice to make it a happy ending for myself. This is my story. And that is where I am at.

The story isn’t over yet. I have so much I need to do. And I can only do it with God’s help.

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And what happened to prince charming? Well, I’ll find him one day…