Now I Am Unbreakable {Day 6&7}

This may become random...be warned.

"God, I want to dream again. Take me where I've never been. I want to go there. This time I'm not scared. Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable. No one can touch me. Nothing can stop me."

Yesterday was an interesting day for sure.

There's nothing like being so angry that you feel ready to explode.

Then fall on your face and beg God for relief.

Which is why I didn't post anything...

...but today, I woke up with the promise of God that He is always by my side no matter what.

And no matter what I feel, He is always in control.

What I am about to say may really go against what I had in mind for these two weeks.

But it has impacted me very much so.

This past winter, one of the weekends Mike was home from school, we were going out for lunch after church. He always plays some crazy awesome music while he drives.

I remember sitting there with my hair blowing in the wind.

This song came on.

"You're not alone. There is more to this I know. You can make it out. You will live to tell."

When the song ended, I asked him what it was called.

It's called "You're Not Alone" by Saosin.

I tucked it away in my head, and then got it off youtube when I got home.

Well, youtube quality sucks sometimes.

Saturday, my friend Mandy came over, and then Mike joined us for dinner and to play games afterwards.

He said he couldn't stand the silence, so he brought in some cd's from his car to listen to.

That song was on there.

Amy begged to keep the cd's, so Mike gave them to her, and then I took it (terrible I know..lol) and put it all into my itunes list.

So yesterday?

I'm playing my music, trying to drown out my frustration.

That song comes on.

Even though they aren't a christian band, that song has a very good message.

It came on just at the right time.

I've heard "Just give it to Jesus. He understands. He's been through it all."

But until I read over and over what He went through, I never really believed it.

I mean any problem at all, you name it, He experienced it.

I was reading today in Matthew (taking a momentary break from 1 Kings..)

and it was talking about the pharisees coming to Jesus and accusing Him of working on the sabbath.

Then how Jesus would heal every single person who would follow Him, then command them not to tell anyone. And I couldn't figure out why He would say that. I mean, if I had the ability to heal, I'd want everyone to come to be healed right?

He did it because He humbled Himself and became a servant.

What is it like to be God and be a servant?

I have no clue.

But it's hard enough being HUMAN and being a servant.

To have a heart like that...man...that would be amazing. But very difficult.

I don't do too much to serve others.

So then I was thinking, isn't my ultimate goal to become like Christ?

The unachievable yet best goal anyone can set.

When I look at the life of Jesus, giving up on trying to be like Him is very easy.

To even pick one thing seems like an impossible task.

And really, without Him, it is.

But I forget quite often that He is in me. He gives me the power. I am His daughter.

He can do anything in me.

And that's what I want.

It's The Death Of Me {Day 5}

Starting the day off by going to church is a great thing. But when you go to get in your car after church, and you bash your head off the side as you're getting in, well that's like a bad omen for the rest of the day.

Between splitting headaches, pure exhaustion, and oh yeah..it's mother's day so there are people here, I was worn out.

After lunch, I took a long nap. I couldn't even think straight. I think my brain moved.

I think the sermon Pastor Ron gave this morning was meant for me. 5 ways to become depressed, and 5 ways that God tries to change you through it. Amen. It was really good.

Then the part of the day comes that I don't want to think about anything, but instead just drown out all noise and thoughts that are in my head. So it's time to blare music. Choice for today? Royal Tailor, who I saw in concert a month ago. Mike lent me the cd this morning. So it was perfect.

"Lost, I was wandering around

Hoping I could find a place

I'd be more than just a face in the crowd

I heard one day You came

Turned the lost into the saved

Now You're showing me the way

All along I've been believing I was living

But now that I'm free, I finally see

Livings's worth dying for

Buried with You

You're making me new

The old me's dead and gone

This is the death of me

...

Your words were just ink on a page

Always so hard to believe

Until You revealed to me that

Your love stepped into the world

Now my past has been erased

'Cause You saved me with your grace, Your grace

All along I've been believing I was living

But now that I'm free, I finally see

Livings's worth dying for

Buried with You

You're making me new

The old me's dead and gone

This is the death of me

...

No more holding on to all my secrets

No more living with these broken pieces

Now my life's been changed

...

Today is a new day

And I'll never be the same

No, no no

It's the death of me."

If you can read that and not be shaken by the power of what that means, then you must be a robot or something. That's called "Death of Me" by Royal Tailor by the way...

I was reading yesterday how God promised Solomon that if He would worship Him alone, and not serve any other God's, and honor Him, He would never let the temple fall, or Solomon's house. But if he did not obey God's commands, God would remove Himself from the temple, and it would fall and people and generations would come by and see the ruins and say (1kings9:9) "Because they abandoned the Lord their God who brought their fathers out of the land of Egypt and laid hold on other gods and worshiped them and served them. Therefore the Lord has brought all this disaster on them."

God promised Solomon all these things if he would just follow His simple commands, and He told him exactly what would happen if he disobeyed. You can't say that God didn't know that Solomon would break His commands...He told him the future and it's consequences. And it happened. God never breaks His word.

And for that, I am glad and terrified at the same time.

So I Stand Here In Silence, Awaiting Your Guidance {Day 4}

"Give me words to speak

Don't let my spirit sleep

Cause I can't think of anything worth saying

But I know that I owe you my life"

1 Kings 8:27 "But will God indeed dwell on the earth? Behold, heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain you; how much less this house that I have built!

vs. 61 "Let your heart therefore be wholly true to the Lord our God, walking in his statues and keeping his commandments, as at this day."

I had a marvelous day. :)

I'm Not Giving In Now {Day 3}

Because its late, I'm going to make this short. :)

Today I read about the building of the temple. And wow, just the words that describe the details are amazing. To be able to have seen it would have been an honor. Let alone help build it.

I didn't do too much today besides relax. I tend to play scenarios over in my head when I am relaxing. That is one if the things that people say I am very negative for. My brain doesn't believe in happy endings apparently. My dreams are proof of that.

But I believe if everything in life is handed to you perfect, there is never room to improve or correct your faults.

I do wish that life was simpler though. Reading minds would be a great ability to have. I wouldn't always be wondering "what does he really think?"
Or "will she keep that promise?"

God's not like that though. We know what he thinks, and that he always keeps his promises.

But waiting on His timing?? I hate it. But it's one of those things that time can actually help. And I'm learning that with prayers.

Goodnight y'all. :)

"I won't give you more than you can take" {Day 2}

"Who you are ain't what your going through

So don't let it get the best of you

Cause God knows everything you need, so you ain't gotta worry

You may be knocked down now

but just believe what He said, He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take

and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break

and No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o

Don't you forget what He said."

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

I have been reminded today of how true this verse is.

Today, God performed a miracle that when I arrived at the Apple Store in Pittsburgh, my Mac miraculously started working again in the way it's supposed to. I found out that if I would have had to get it repaired, it would've cost me about $200. Which..I don't have. And I am so thankful that I don't have to put myself in more debt with this.

THEN...

oh yes it gets better..

At my photo shoot tonight, I arrived to find out that a very dear friend (who is from church) was there.

She and I talked and talked.

I really believe that God puts the right people into our lives at the right moments. And this was one of those moments. I can't wait to hang out with her this summer. It's going to be awesome. :)

But anyhow...this morning before I jumped into the busy day, I read 1 Kings 2.

To summarize, that's the chapter where King Solomon is ruling, and two women come to him, and how the one woman accuses the other of stealing her baby in the night, because she had suffocated him.

King Solomon's response to it was 'Well lets cut the baby in half then.' and to that, the real mother of the child, who didn't want to see her baby die, stood up and said, 'No, she can have him if you are going to do that.' And because of what she said, the King knew that she was his rightful mother, because she cared about her child.

It goes on to say about the wisdom of Solomon, and how he knew to propose the solution which would bring them an answer. That wisdom which can only come from God is just unfathomable. Everyone says that King Solomon is known for the wisdom God gave him, yet he still corrupted himself in the end.

Even still...what would it be like to have wisdom like that?

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

WOAH. What?

God gives out wisdom like that if you ask???

Gee, I'm asking right now then.

But seriously, the Bible says it. I'd take advantage of that if I were you. That's one promise of God that we can all take a hold of at any time.

I don't know about you, but I could use some wisdom right about now.

God is faithful, not only to give wisdom, but that first verse up there, 1 Cor. 10:13, He won't give you anything that you can't handle. So when I think I'm not strong enough, um..yeah..God thinks I am. When I am ready to give up, heck no, God is right there saying "You can do this. I promise you can. I promise you will make it through. And because I promised that, it will be fulfilled. You can count on it. Don't take life into your own hands when you think you can't go on. Just give it to Me. I already know you can survive what I put on your plate today, and tomorrow, and the rest of your life. So just accept it. You'll understand one day."

And that's all for today. I am really looking forward to what God has planned out for tomorrow. I am excited.

(yes..me excited..I know that's so rare. :P )

Start Over {The New Beginning} Day 1

"Every moment is a second chance at starting over..at starting over. Look from the past to the present tense. You can start over...start over again."

It's a battle to not be angry at someone or something at every moment of the day. The course of events that my life has taken me on, has led me down the road of anger and bitterness. (not to mention a medical condition that I will have for the rest of my life which makes everything worse, but I can't blame that anymore.)

I know that with God's help, I can be who He wants me to be. And so I ask Him, quite frequently, to change me. To make me His and His alone. To help me to trust Him. But I never let go enough for Him to change me.

Now that I have graduated college, and am trying to figure out what I am going to do for the rest of my life, I realize I need God more than ever. Then it frustrates me when I think about who I am, and what I've become: This monster, one that eats me from the inside out, so that it doesn't show most of the time. I only confide in two people because I don't want anyone to see me for who I really am. That's not who I want to be known as.

Most people would say that I am a fake then. And to that, I say it is better to be fake than to be someone who no one wants to know or be friends with. I think if everyone was more honest, we're all pretty fake. If we were all to take our masks off, most of us would probably just want to be alone for the rest of our lives anyhow...at least that's how I would feel. Ashamed, embarrassed, and just pure sinful.

Even as I think about this, I don't know how..I don't understand what Jesus was thinking when He loved me and then proved it by dying and wiping away my sin. He suffered so that I don't have to suffer in this life. He died and payed my sin debt so I wouldn't have to be separated from Him and glorious redemption forever.

He did all that for me, so why is it so hard to trust Him?

There is no excuse. It's all my stupid pride getting in the way. I like to be in control. I like to lead. I like to think that I can solve all my problems by myself, even though I know I can do nothing without Him.

So I'm taking upon myself a challenge. I don't know for how long, but my desire is for the effects to last forever. Some of these things will be for two weeks, some of them are just what I want to change permanently. So here they are:

1. When I wake up, the first thing I want to do instead of checking facebook for new notifications, I want to pray. The best way to start off the day is with the door open to God from the start.

2. I will not update my facebook status for 2 weeks. AND I will not spend more than 5 minutes on there a day. If you need me, text me or call me. (..yes..my name is Ellen and I am completely addicted to facebook)

3. The only book I will read for two weeks, is the Bible. God can't speak to me if I don't crack open what He wrote for me. All His instructions are right there written out. I just need to open up the manual and actually read it. Oh..and I know it's important to pray and ask God to open my eyes before I read, so each time, I will be doing that.

4. MUSIC. I don't believe in music fasts. I don't believe it's Biblical. BUT for the next two weeks, no matter what I'm listening to, it will be Christian music. Car radio will be tuned into K-Love, and it will not be turned off that. My itunes list will be sorted by genre..and play nothing but the "Christian & Gospel" and "Gospel & Religious" section.
THERE IS A DIFFICULT PART TO THIS. My sister likes to blast her music all day long, and she doesn't listen to christian music. I may get her to try and bear with me and maybe take this challenge too. Otherwise, I am going to invest in some headphones.

5. I bought a journal. Usually I rip them up at the end of the year and toss them in the trash, but this is a different kind of journaling. I want to remember how God speaks to me every day. I want to look back and see how far I've come. And I want to watch my prayers be answered again.

6. I'm going to take the things I gave up on, like praying for certain people, and start it over again. I'm not a person to give up easily, but there are somethings I've prayed for, for years, and they just never were answered. Not yet. I want to build up my faith by trusting God that they can still happen.

7. I want to be kept accountable. I want someone to text me every day and say "Hey, how are you doing? Are you keeping it up? What has God taught you today?"
However, the only way I know to do that, unless someone volunteers, is to blog every day.
And if I miss a day, I will count on some of you to beat me up...in a non literal way. ;)

So here I go.
I can do this.
You can too.