"Every moment is a second chance at starting over..at starting over. Look from the past to the present tense. You can start over...start over again."
It's a battle to not be angry at someone or something at every moment of the day. The course of events that my life has taken me on, has led me down the road of anger and bitterness. (not to mention a medical condition that I will have for the rest of my life which makes everything worse, but I can't blame that anymore.)
I know that with God's help, I can be who He wants me to be. And so I ask Him, quite frequently, to change me. To make me His and His alone. To help me to trust Him. But I never let go enough for Him to change me.
Now that I have graduated college, and am trying to figure out what I am going to do for the rest of my life, I realize I need God more than ever. Then it frustrates me when I think about who I am, and what I've become: This monster, one that eats me from the inside out, so that it doesn't show most of the time. I only confide in two people because I don't want anyone to see me for who I really am. That's not who I want to be known as.
Most people would say that I am a fake then. And to that, I say it is better to be fake than to be someone who no one wants to know or be friends with. I think if everyone was more honest, we're all pretty fake. If we were all to take our masks off, most of us would probably just want to be alone for the rest of our lives anyhow...at least that's how I would feel. Ashamed, embarrassed, and just pure sinful.
Even as I think about this, I don't know how..I don't understand what Jesus was thinking when He loved me and then proved it by dying and wiping away my sin. He suffered so that I don't have to suffer in this life. He died and payed my sin debt so I wouldn't have to be separated from Him and glorious redemption forever.
He did all that for me, so why is it so hard to trust Him?
There is no excuse. It's all my stupid pride getting in the way. I like to be in control. I like to lead. I like to think that I can solve all my problems by myself, even though I know I can do nothing without Him.
So I'm taking upon myself a challenge. I don't know for how long, but my desire is for the effects to last forever. Some of these things will be for two weeks, some of them are just what I want to change permanently. So here they are:
1. When I wake up, the first thing I want to do instead of checking facebook for new notifications, I want to pray. The best way to start off the day is with the door open to God from the start.
2. I will not update my facebook status for 2 weeks. AND I will not spend more than 5 minutes on there a day. If you need me, text me or call me. (..yes..my name is Ellen and I am completely addicted to facebook)
3. The only book I will read for two weeks, is the Bible. God can't speak to me if I don't crack open what He wrote for me. All His instructions are right there written out. I just need to open up the manual and actually read it. Oh..and I know it's important to pray and ask God to open my eyes before I read, so each time, I will be doing that.
4. MUSIC. I don't believe in music fasts. I don't believe it's Biblical. BUT for the next two weeks, no matter what I'm listening to, it will be Christian music. Car radio will be tuned into K-Love, and it will not be turned off that. My itunes list will be sorted by genre..and play nothing but the "Christian & Gospel" and "Gospel & Religious" section.
THERE IS A DIFFICULT PART TO THIS. My sister likes to blast her music all day long, and she doesn't listen to christian music. I may get her to try and bear with me and maybe take this challenge too. Otherwise, I am going to invest in some headphones.
5. I bought a journal. Usually I rip them up at the end of the year and toss them in the trash, but this is a different kind of journaling. I want to remember how God speaks to me every day. I want to look back and see how far I've come. And I want to watch my prayers be answered again.
6. I'm going to take the things I gave up on, like praying for certain people, and start it over again. I'm not a person to give up easily, but there are somethings I've prayed for, for years, and they just never were answered. Not yet. I want to build up my faith by trusting God that they can still happen.
7. I want to be kept accountable. I want someone to text me every day and say "Hey, how are you doing? Are you keeping it up? What has God taught you today?"
However, the only way I know to do that, unless someone volunteers, is to blog every day.
And if I miss a day, I will count on some of you to beat me up...in a non literal way. ;)
So here I go.
I can do this.
You can too.
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