I'm Not Giving In Now {Day 3}

Because its late, I'm going to make this short. :)

Today I read about the building of the temple. And wow, just the words that describe the details are amazing. To be able to have seen it would have been an honor. Let alone help build it.

I didn't do too much today besides relax. I tend to play scenarios over in my head when I am relaxing. That is one if the things that people say I am very negative for. My brain doesn't believe in happy endings apparently. My dreams are proof of that.

But I believe if everything in life is handed to you perfect, there is never room to improve or correct your faults.

I do wish that life was simpler though. Reading minds would be a great ability to have. I wouldn't always be wondering "what does he really think?"
Or "will she keep that promise?"

God's not like that though. We know what he thinks, and that he always keeps his promises.

But waiting on His timing?? I hate it. But it's one of those things that time can actually help. And I'm learning that with prayers.

Goodnight y'all. :)

"I won't give you more than you can take" {Day 2}

"Who you are ain't what your going through

So don't let it get the best of you

Cause God knows everything you need, so you ain't gotta worry

You may be knocked down now

but just believe what He said, He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take

and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break

and No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o

Don't you forget what He said."

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

I have been reminded today of how true this verse is.

Today, God performed a miracle that when I arrived at the Apple Store in Pittsburgh, my Mac miraculously started working again in the way it's supposed to. I found out that if I would have had to get it repaired, it would've cost me about $200. Which..I don't have. And I am so thankful that I don't have to put myself in more debt with this.

THEN...

oh yes it gets better..

At my photo shoot tonight, I arrived to find out that a very dear friend (who is from church) was there.

She and I talked and talked.

I really believe that God puts the right people into our lives at the right moments. And this was one of those moments. I can't wait to hang out with her this summer. It's going to be awesome. :)

But anyhow...this morning before I jumped into the busy day, I read 1 Kings 2.

To summarize, that's the chapter where King Solomon is ruling, and two women come to him, and how the one woman accuses the other of stealing her baby in the night, because she had suffocated him.

King Solomon's response to it was 'Well lets cut the baby in half then.' and to that, the real mother of the child, who didn't want to see her baby die, stood up and said, 'No, she can have him if you are going to do that.' And because of what she said, the King knew that she was his rightful mother, because she cared about her child.

It goes on to say about the wisdom of Solomon, and how he knew to propose the solution which would bring them an answer. That wisdom which can only come from God is just unfathomable. Everyone says that King Solomon is known for the wisdom God gave him, yet he still corrupted himself in the end.

Even still...what would it be like to have wisdom like that?

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

WOAH. What?

God gives out wisdom like that if you ask???

Gee, I'm asking right now then.

But seriously, the Bible says it. I'd take advantage of that if I were you. That's one promise of God that we can all take a hold of at any time.

I don't know about you, but I could use some wisdom right about now.

God is faithful, not only to give wisdom, but that first verse up there, 1 Cor. 10:13, He won't give you anything that you can't handle. So when I think I'm not strong enough, um..yeah..God thinks I am. When I am ready to give up, heck no, God is right there saying "You can do this. I promise you can. I promise you will make it through. And because I promised that, it will be fulfilled. You can count on it. Don't take life into your own hands when you think you can't go on. Just give it to Me. I already know you can survive what I put on your plate today, and tomorrow, and the rest of your life. So just accept it. You'll understand one day."

And that's all for today. I am really looking forward to what God has planned out for tomorrow. I am excited.

(yes..me excited..I know that's so rare. :P )

Start Over {The New Beginning} Day 1

"Every moment is a second chance at starting over..at starting over. Look from the past to the present tense. You can start over...start over again."

It's a battle to not be angry at someone or something at every moment of the day. The course of events that my life has taken me on, has led me down the road of anger and bitterness. (not to mention a medical condition that I will have for the rest of my life which makes everything worse, but I can't blame that anymore.)

I know that with God's help, I can be who He wants me to be. And so I ask Him, quite frequently, to change me. To make me His and His alone. To help me to trust Him. But I never let go enough for Him to change me.

Now that I have graduated college, and am trying to figure out what I am going to do for the rest of my life, I realize I need God more than ever. Then it frustrates me when I think about who I am, and what I've become: This monster, one that eats me from the inside out, so that it doesn't show most of the time. I only confide in two people because I don't want anyone to see me for who I really am. That's not who I want to be known as.

Most people would say that I am a fake then. And to that, I say it is better to be fake than to be someone who no one wants to know or be friends with. I think if everyone was more honest, we're all pretty fake. If we were all to take our masks off, most of us would probably just want to be alone for the rest of our lives anyhow...at least that's how I would feel. Ashamed, embarrassed, and just pure sinful.

Even as I think about this, I don't know how..I don't understand what Jesus was thinking when He loved me and then proved it by dying and wiping away my sin. He suffered so that I don't have to suffer in this life. He died and payed my sin debt so I wouldn't have to be separated from Him and glorious redemption forever.

He did all that for me, so why is it so hard to trust Him?

There is no excuse. It's all my stupid pride getting in the way. I like to be in control. I like to lead. I like to think that I can solve all my problems by myself, even though I know I can do nothing without Him.

So I'm taking upon myself a challenge. I don't know for how long, but my desire is for the effects to last forever. Some of these things will be for two weeks, some of them are just what I want to change permanently. So here they are:

1. When I wake up, the first thing I want to do instead of checking facebook for new notifications, I want to pray. The best way to start off the day is with the door open to God from the start.

2. I will not update my facebook status for 2 weeks. AND I will not spend more than 5 minutes on there a day. If you need me, text me or call me. (..yes..my name is Ellen and I am completely addicted to facebook)

3. The only book I will read for two weeks, is the Bible. God can't speak to me if I don't crack open what He wrote for me. All His instructions are right there written out. I just need to open up the manual and actually read it. Oh..and I know it's important to pray and ask God to open my eyes before I read, so each time, I will be doing that.

4. MUSIC. I don't believe in music fasts. I don't believe it's Biblical. BUT for the next two weeks, no matter what I'm listening to, it will be Christian music. Car radio will be tuned into K-Love, and it will not be turned off that. My itunes list will be sorted by genre..and play nothing but the "Christian & Gospel" and "Gospel & Religious" section.
THERE IS A DIFFICULT PART TO THIS. My sister likes to blast her music all day long, and she doesn't listen to christian music. I may get her to try and bear with me and maybe take this challenge too. Otherwise, I am going to invest in some headphones.

5. I bought a journal. Usually I rip them up at the end of the year and toss them in the trash, but this is a different kind of journaling. I want to remember how God speaks to me every day. I want to look back and see how far I've come. And I want to watch my prayers be answered again.

6. I'm going to take the things I gave up on, like praying for certain people, and start it over again. I'm not a person to give up easily, but there are somethings I've prayed for, for years, and they just never were answered. Not yet. I want to build up my faith by trusting God that they can still happen.

7. I want to be kept accountable. I want someone to text me every day and say "Hey, how are you doing? Are you keeping it up? What has God taught you today?"
However, the only way I know to do that, unless someone volunteers, is to blog every day.
And if I miss a day, I will count on some of you to beat me up...in a non literal way. ;)

So here I go.
I can do this.
You can too.

Just some thoughts..

I lie in wait for the day you come

My heart writhes with so much pain

I wish every second that you were here with me

Maybe life would be different

But now it’s just a shade of grey

I ache to hear your voice

I long to see your face

The thought of your touch sends me to agony

Knowing that you’re still not here

I miss you more than words can describe

Yet I don’t believe I know you yet

I’ve waited for you day and night

Knowing that you may never arrive

But if I am to be left alone

Then I pray that I may die quickly

Just the thought of that makes me cringe

You’re not just any guy

You’re special

You hand will fit perfectly in mine

You may drive me crazy

But it’s always for a good reason

You will be easy to love

And hard to forget

Because the day I find you

Will change my life

I will hold in my heart forever

Just waiting

When you get here, I’ll be ready

Ready to fall so deeply in love

When you see me, you’ll smile

And my heart will skip a beat

When you hold out your arms

I’ll be right there in your embrace

When you whisper that you’re here

Tell me that you’ll never leave me alone

The Way I Feel About Church, And Church People - pt. 1

Most people don’t see church the way I do. And somedays that is a good thing. But many times it is a bad thing. It is a good thing because most people haven’t been through the pain and agony that will rip you apart, and can be found in any church out there. But it is also a bad thing because people are blind to it. Most church goers are stuck in their own little world where God is perfect and makes everything work out for good. Don’t get me wrong, He always does. But it certainly doesn’t happen the way they think it does.

It comes down to three types of people who attend church. The unconscious “I go because I have to”, The wannabe who wishes they were better but won’t do what it takes, and the one who is sold out for God.

Let me start with what a lot of people unconsciously do when they come to church.

The first thing you do when you walk in the door is wonder where the coffee and doughnuts are.

Then you see Ashley across the room wearing a dress that makes her look like a prostitute. You think to yourself “Why doesn’t anyone do something about her?”

The next thing you know, you’re talking to one of your friends, gossiping about Ashley, and what family member has angered you. Clearly you think you know what they should be doing, and you would love to get the chance to tell them.

You walk into the service and hope the music isn’t too loud and that the worship leaders can really sing and won’t ruin your day.

You hope to sing something exciting that gets your blood pumping and maybe give you that chance to raise your hands, to make it look like you are praising God with all that you have. But really, you’re just trying to make yourself look good.

Then the offering comes around. You throw in a few bucks you have in your pocket, because this is the one part of church you always forget about. Sometimes you may throw in a $20 if the person next to you seems important. Once again, just to make yourself look more righteous.

The pastor gets up. You stare at him for a while, wondering about where he got his shirt or his haircut. Then you hope he doesn’t drone on today. Afterall, you’ve got a Steeler’s game to watch.

7 minutes in, you start dozing off. Brad sitting next to you, sees you doing the head bob, and he pokes you. You jolt up. And now you’re wide awake. You’ve missed the last 10 minutes cause you were day dreaming about your new video game you just purchased. Now you have no idea what the pastor was even talking about.

He makes a few good points, then it’s time for communion. “Why do they do this every week?” you wonder. It’s such a routine that when you take your piece of bread and juice, you gulp them down without even thinking about the reason behind them. The God of the universe sacrificed His life for you. And you can’t even repay Him by staying awake or focused to get closer to Him.

Sometimes after that, the pastor gives an altar call. Come forward if you have any burdens. Well your aunt died this week. So you go forward to ask for prayer. Kneeling at the altar makes you look even more humble. Yet that indeed you are not.

You leave the church, go home and get distracted with everything else in your life. You have no desire for getting any closer to God than going to church. Cracking your Bible open is reserved for once a week.

----

If you know me pretty well, most likely you are not the person above. But maybe you are part of that person. 

I know I was for a very long time.

Just think about it. Don’t be offended. Because I am not saying that everyone is like that.

But the truth is, the majority of church goers are.

Will be continued...

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had the most beautiful smile. She always seemed to be happy. She was quiet around her family and loved to talk around her friends. She wasn’t popular, but she knew a lot of people. She didn’t have many friends, but she had a few that she held very close.

She would dream about the day her prince charming would come. He clearly wasn’t any of the guys she knew. They were all very strange and weird, and they all liked sports way too much. But still she would dream about how they would meet. How he would take her hand, sing her favorite song, and take her to a mountaintop and ask her to marry him. That was really far off though. She had all the time in the world to find prince charming.

One day, while she was at school, something happened to her and she fell very ill. Her beautiful smile would vanish and she would moan in pain. All of a sudden, one by one, each of her friends started to abandon her because she couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. She was no fun to be around. They didn’t know that all she wanted was to feel well again. And that if she could, she would try and make them see just how much she needed them. But it never happened. For 3 years she suffered in pain and agony. Then finally, God gave her relief.

Things started to turn around. The girl was becoming a woman. She began to realize that friends would be your friends no matter what you were going through. And that the people who still cared about her were her true friends.

However, bitterness and anger were lingering in her heart. She wanted to go back and change everything, even though that couldn’t happen. She was mad at the people who were rude and arrogant towards her. There were times when these same people would even attack her family right in front of her. Quite often, she would just sit and cry. She hoped that maybe she could disappear from this cruel world. Then one day, she got away from many of them.

She went off to college where she made three best friends. She didn’t know that those three would later on be the only people to really care about her. They would help her out of a huge problem she had which involved a devilish man dressed as prince charming. They helped her overcome a lot of huge issues. They always made her laugh, and they did everything they could to make her smile again. They were the best friends she had always hoped for. Even though she had even more anger and bitterness now, she just kept covering it up…telling everyone she was fine and over it all. She even convinced herself.

A week before her 18^th birthday, she met someone wonderful, someone who today she calls her best friend. They got along very well together. One day she decided to trust him and tell him about her life. He told her that she was a reflection of his past, and that he could help her overcome her anger. But he made one thing very clear, to not trust him, but to trust God instead. Only God could help her and she should trust Him with her life. He said he could point her in the right direction, but from there she would have to find the path she was meant to take. He made her see that even though she thought she could forget her past, and want to start over, it would never happen. It would always be there. But until she could stare defeat in the face and say that she was better than that, and that she was here for a better purpose, nothing would change. She would be stuck in the rut of being unhappy. And ultimately never be able to love someone because she didn’t trust anyone to be different than those who had betrayed her in the past. She would always be angry whenever something small went wrong.

The girl knew this. She had been confronted many times with this issue. Each time she thought she had resolved it. She had the outcome of being happy again and trusting people, but only for a short while. She only did it to make other people happy, and to make it seem like she was reaching the ultimate goal.

But she never did. She never really understood that she was so focused on the end, that she’d cover up the middle to get to it. Her smile faded. Her joy wasn’t in it. She had no desire to deal with the past. Afterall, it seemed to have ruined her life. She would rather run far away and forget everything. Hit that reset button she always talked about.

Then one day she realized that running from her problems wouldn’t solve anything. She was always being haunted in her dreams by her past and her fears. She knew it was time for a change. It was time to take what had potentially ruined her and dig it back up. It wasn’t buried that deep so it wasn’t hard. But once the memories started flooding over her, she wanted to quit again.

Her best friend urged her not to. He said it was going to be painful. It was going to hurt. But it was going to be worth it.

It took her a very long time to sort things out in her mind. She really didn’t think it was worth it.

She knew there were things she had to do, people she had to go to that she had hurt in the process, and ask for forgiveness. There was no way she wanted to do that.

But one Sunday in church, she made up her mind. There were two people from the past she knew she had to talk to in order to be at peace before she could move on. She had everything planned out how it would go. 

She talked to the first person. It was easy.

Then all of a sudden, one of her college friends crushed her. She wanted to give up immediately, because the second person she had to go to was involved in the situation. She didn’t want her heart to be broken any more. Ready to give up, she shut herself up for a few days. But God kept telling her over and over again, “You promised me you would go to this second person. You are so angry, and I understand this is making it worse. But you can’t be mad anymore. Go. Do it.”

She had her opportunity, and she took it. Finally she was at peace. But now she had this other situation to deal with. She thought she would just ignore it. Look past, and not worry about anything. But the girl realized that she was even more of a bitter person now that she was before.

Her anger came out in everything. No matter what she was doing or who she was with. You could always tell something was up. She would explode every night. She couldn’t get control over herself. God seemed to not be helping her at all. She would read her Bible, searching for answers. She would pray and ask God to help her. She was always so uneasy about everything.

Until she realized, the problem was her. Her smile faded because she let it. She was always unhappy because she let herself be unhappy. She was angry because that was how she felt alive. And the only way she could change? Well, let’s just say I know what I need to do now.

This isn’t just a once upon a time. Fairytales have a happy ending. And I have the choice to make it a happy ending for myself. This is my story. And that is where I am at.

The story isn’t over yet. I have so much I need to do. And I can only do it with God’s help.

---

And what happened to prince charming? Well, I’ll find him one day…